June 17, 2011

Words Fail

Words fail. No longer can mere words express what I am feeling. A heart that is heavy. A desire to see time pass by so fast that I no longer have to walk through the seconds with feet like lead. I want to fly away and hide from the knowledge that is now in my possession. But it comes with me wherever I go. My world feels like it is collapsing around me with a family that is torn apart at its seams.

But God provides a place for me to hide; a sanctuary where I can quietly expose my heart without being able to whisper a single sound. So in the stillness of this place I turn my face to His. He bears my pain as well as my sorrow. My hunger for Him is His gift to me for it is in the searching, the seeking that I find my healing.

In the work of the Cross the vilest of offenders are offered forgiveness. Jesus offered forgiveness to the very ones who caused His own suffering and offered the same to those who had rejected Him. God stands, knowing the worst, yet He offers to wipe away the sin of the sinner even as He gently covers the ones shamed and stained by sexual abuse. He invites each one to a new beginning.

So in this journey called forgiveness I hold on to the commitment made “to forgive” even as pain resurfaces as stories are shared by wounded sisters and memories relived in all their naked shame. His word becomes an anchor as I remind myself that in Isaiah 53 I find that Christ bore the sin and the pain. These are nails of divine love that held Him on that cross. I remind myself that

“God so loved the world (no matter what or who) that He gave…”
I will walk through the emotions allowing God to use my tears, when they come, to wash away the anger, the hurt, the pain. Shattered pieces of a fractured heart are gifts l place upon His altar once again. In reaching towards His light I find the peace that only He can give.

A song He gives, the words yet unknown, but the melody is there as He pours His grace into my needy heart. The words written by T.D. Jakes
“Your ministry will be where your misery has been,”
resonate like a clarion call across the turbulence of my aching heart.

I do not excuse, nor do I condone, the evils done at the hands of my father. But what has been offered to me, I in turn offer, one of the costliest gifts that can ever be given, forgiveness. Evil does not have the final say. I choose God’s path of mercy, love and lavish grace and I will sing a new song even as I rest safe in Abba’s arms.


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