August 18, 2010

My "wobbly" day

Today was not a good day.  I woke up wanting to be left alone and yet wanting to be noticed.  I think it's a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing.  Of course I live with two men (my dear hubby of 34 years and my almost 18 year old son) and they totally don't get the "Venus" thing at all.

Mind you when I woke up hubby was at work and my son was doing what many teenagers do, sleeping until noon.  So I was technically alone.

This mood persisted all day and I could not shake it.  Of course, neither male even noticed.  (See the attention thing creeping in here...?)

I really was having a "wobbly" day.  One of those off-kilter days.  I finally decided to bring it to the attention of one of my "men" and my son was the nearest. 

Words of advice from a teenage boy... "hey, just wallow in it.  That's what I do". 

You know what, as ludicrous as the advice sounded... I found tears welling up and slipping down my cheeks.  A bit embarrassed I mumbled ,"I think I will" and took myself off to bed thinking "what does this say about me?"

You know, I woke up with a start about an hour later and felt much different.  Now sitting here thinking through this wobbly day I am realizing how tired I really was and yet kept pushing myself to keep going:

  • I've been sick for 12 days and having a hard time shaking it.  Yes, I did go to the walk-in yesterday and I have the prescription in my purse but thought that I could wait another day and "shake it off".
  • My father-in-law had been in hospital for almost 6 weeks and then we had to settle his affairs, dispose of his furniture, clean up the apartment and settle him into a personal care home just over 12 days ago.
  • I kept up a daily writing schedule and research study.
  • On a whim decided to apply for a casual job over the summer.  This was done before my father-in-law became ill and needless to say, I was hired . I found myself sitting with extremely ill patients from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. a few nights a week.
  • Then my father was in emergency this week because he was having difficulty swallowing.  He had a CT scan today as well for a spot on his lung.  His cancer may have returned.  (Along with all the emotional trauma and drama that occurs within this family of origin.  See my website at http://www.thewoman2woman.com/ for some insight on this).
  • Then this week a sibling is suicidal.
  • Another sibling calls from overseas...and this stirs up emotional residual effects.
So this is my reality check here; and I want to be honest with you as well.  We all have moments, days, seasons when life is difficult.  For me, I realize now that I did need to "wallow" (for one day), to feel the emotion because "feeling the feeling" can be freeing. 

I was suppressing the emotional toll that was occurring even underneath the "not feeling well".  My body was letting me know that something was going on and I WAS NOT listening.  So then my emotions were kicking in to let me know and once again, I WAS NOT LISTENING.

The cat-nap refreshed my body enough so that my mind could recognize the emotional upheaval that I was stuffing without being conscious of doing so.

So, how do I feel now?  Well a whole lot better!  Thanks for listening.

1 Samuel 2:8  He puts people on their feet again; He rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, restoring dignity and respect to their lives-a place in the sun!

now... about that prescription..

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