August 18, 2010

My "wobbly" day

Today was not a good day.  I woke up wanting to be left alone and yet wanting to be noticed.  I think it's a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing.  Of course I live with two men (my dear hubby of 34 years and my almost 18 year old son) and they totally don't get the "Venus" thing at all.

Mind you when I woke up hubby was at work and my son was doing what many teenagers do, sleeping until noon.  So I was technically alone.

This mood persisted all day and I could not shake it.  Of course, neither male even noticed.  (See the attention thing creeping in here...?)

I really was having a "wobbly" day.  One of those off-kilter days.  I finally decided to bring it to the attention of one of my "men" and my son was the nearest. 

Words of advice from a teenage boy... "hey, just wallow in it.  That's what I do". 

You know what, as ludicrous as the advice sounded... I found tears welling up and slipping down my cheeks.  A bit embarrassed I mumbled ,"I think I will" and took myself off to bed thinking "what does this say about me?"

You know, I woke up with a start about an hour later and felt much different.  Now sitting here thinking through this wobbly day I am realizing how tired I really was and yet kept pushing myself to keep going:

  • I've been sick for 12 days and having a hard time shaking it.  Yes, I did go to the walk-in yesterday and I have the prescription in my purse but thought that I could wait another day and "shake it off".
  • My father-in-law had been in hospital for almost 6 weeks and then we had to settle his affairs, dispose of his furniture, clean up the apartment and settle him into a personal care home just over 12 days ago.
  • I kept up a daily writing schedule and research study.
  • On a whim decided to apply for a casual job over the summer.  This was done before my father-in-law became ill and needless to say, I was hired . I found myself sitting with extremely ill patients from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. a few nights a week.
  • Then my father was in emergency this week because he was having difficulty swallowing.  He had a CT scan today as well for a spot on his lung.  His cancer may have returned.  (Along with all the emotional trauma and drama that occurs within this family of origin.  See my website at for some insight on this).
  • Then this week a sibling is suicidal.
  • Another sibling calls from overseas...and this stirs up emotional residual effects.
So this is my reality check here; and I want to be honest with you as well.  We all have moments, days, seasons when life is difficult.  For me, I realize now that I did need to "wallow" (for one day), to feel the emotion because "feeling the feeling" can be freeing. 

I was suppressing the emotional toll that was occurring even underneath the "not feeling well".  My body was letting me know that something was going on and I WAS NOT listening.  So then my emotions were kicking in to let me know and once again, I WAS NOT LISTENING.

The cat-nap refreshed my body enough so that my mind could recognize the emotional upheaval that I was stuffing without being conscious of doing so.

So, how do I feel now?  Well a whole lot better!  Thanks for listening.

1 Samuel 2:8  He puts people on their feet again; He rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, restoring dignity and respect to their lives-a place in the sun!

now... about that prescription..

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